Saturday, May 23, 2009

Dear Squirrels,

Dear Squirrels,

I am hurt, angry, and stomping mad. Is it not enough that I provide you with entertainment and perfectly good sustenance? I constantly refill your corn bungee at the rate of one ear per day and trek to the Wild Bird Store on the other side of town every other week to purchase said corn for you.

Per our agreement, I will provide you with an unlimited supply of corn as long as you leave my garden alone. As of today at 3pm, you have violated this contract. Upon returning home from the pool, I found two half-eaten tomatoes in the yard. If you are going to consume my tomatoes, please have the decency to A: eat the entire tomato, or B: If you don't eat the entire tomato, please do not leave it laying right outside the garden fence where I will most certainly notice it.

At least, you have not, to my knowledge, recently consumed anything else in my backyard. The chili peppers seem to be intact, and the flowers have not been eaten to the ground. I know I previously forgave the rabbits when they chewed my lilies down to nibs, but you, pesky squirrels, will not be that lucky.

I will give you one more opportunity to respond to a kind and gentle gardening approach. It will be in your best interest, dear rodents, to avoid the tomatoes after I sprinkle them with Critter Ridder this evening.

If you, squirrels, continue to violate our pact, you will be in for it when the man of the house, the main tomato consumer, returns home on Monday night. At that point, all bets will be off. I may even let my husband get out the BB gun that I have so far refused to allow him to use against you, and I'll remind you that Car Guy is itching to stake out the garden with his sling shot in hand, too.

Be warned: If you touch my roses, you will be dead squirrels, and, at that point, I will not hesitate to take matters into my own hands.

Warmest regards,

P.S. My sincere apologies to any squirrel-lovers (Jay and Kelsey, I'm thinking of you) who may have been offended by my anti-squirrel rant.

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