Top Ten Things Not to Say or Do When Someone Has a Terminally Ill Family Member

This post definitely goes in the arena of having a find something humorous in order to cope with a difficult situation. In other words, I'm not sappy or warm and fuzzy. I tend to be a blunt, suck-it-up-and-deal-with-it kind of person. So if you're hoping to read a loving recollection about coping terminal illness, this probably isn't the post for you- I'm just giving you fair warning.

My family experienced a rough bout around the holidays. My grandmother started feeling poorly in mid-December, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at New Year's, and passed away on January 23rd. In the interim, we all rearranged our schedules and pitched in to stay with my grandmother whose condition quickly deteriorated to the point of requiring 24/7 care. Throughout the month we cared for my grandmother, my parents, husband, and I continually shook our heads at the stupid, insensitive things that people said and did. I know, I know . . . they meant well. Honestly, it was easier for all of us to make fun of people's idiocy because it did give us at least one thing to laugh about amidst the stress. As you will see, I obviously did not inherit the Southern hospitality gene from my mother and grandmother.

So here it is, . . .

Top Ten Things Not to Say or Do When Someone Has a Terminal Illness:

#10- Don't assume the family knows who you are.
Yes, I know my grandmother went to church with you for 40 years and probably shared more about me than I even care to think about with your Sunday School class. I also realize that I look different than I did when I was five years old. The fact that I met you at church with my grandmother when I was five, still does not provide me with any clue as to who you are. Please introduce yourself if you stop by the house or attend the funeral.

#9- Don't Stop By for an Impromptu Visit.
Please always, always call before you would like to visit. Don't just stop by. You don't have any idea if the nurse or a home health worker is currently there, or if the caretaker and patient slept any the previous night. For goodness sakes, if a family member meets you at the door to tell you that it isn't a good time because they're having a family meeting with Hospice, don't ask if you can still come in. "No." The answer is "No".

#8- Don't Stay for an Extended Visit.
About 15-20 minutes will suffice. Any longer of a visit and you will wear out your welcome. In case you haven't figured it out, the patient is sick and the family is exhausted. The last thing they want to do is make small talk and bring you snacks while you chat away incessantly. If the patient uses all of her strength attempting to chat with you, she will be more sick and more lifeless than usual after you leave. Remember : KISS- Keep it short, stupid.

#7- Do not regale the caretakers with stories of all your current personal problems.
I'm sorry that your arthritis is acting up and your child is in the middle of her third divorce , but in case you haven't noticed, at the moment I'm up to my eyeballs in portable toilets, elderly diaper changes, and trying to keep my own children and family running. I am maxed out on the amount of problems that I can listen to and handle today.

#6- Don't bother to visit if you haven't done so for the last 20 years.
I'm aware that you used to live behind my 87-year-old grandmother when you were a child 40 years ago, but that does not mean that you need to stop by and visit her on her deathbed. If your explanation of who you are takes ten minutes and I (the gatekeeper) still haven't figured out who you are, you're not coming in. In other words, you're lucky that my mother, who is much nicer than I, answered the door and patiently listened to your stories about being a female dump truck driver because I would have kicked your butt to the curb before you ever made it in the door.

#5- Don't ask how long the person has left to live or if he/she is comatose.
Tacky, tacky, tacky and please, please, please don't ask these little gems in the terminal person's presence. Just so you know- the family does not know exactly how much longer the patient will be alive- only God knows that piece of information- and if the caretaker just told you that the patient drank a bit of a vanilla milkshake today, she is not comatose, but currently sleeping.

#4- Don't leer at the dying person's possessions or open their closets to inspect their belongings.
And for the record, don't ask what we're going to do with the fur coats or anything else in the house. We are currently rather preoccupied caring for the patient and are not excitedly taking inventory or dividing up the items in the house. For goodness sakes, do not make yourself at home and open the closets. Yes, this happened. A person who accompanied another family member into my grandmother's house for the first time started walking around the house and opening the closets because "he liked old houses". Yea, right.

#3- Don't ask to be alone with the terminal person.
If I trusted you alone with my grandmother, I would have already taken your visit as an opportunity to snag a little break for myself. But since I only know that you're a man who goes to church with my grandmother and who likes to repeatedly stop by the house uninvited- you're creeping me out with your request to have some alone time with my elderly grandmother. As my dad remarked when informed about this little turn of events, "Ick, we're lucky we didn't find him in bed with her."

#2- If an ambulance is at the house, don't call to ask what is going on.
Here's what's going on. . . An ambulance is at the house because a) there is a medical crisis, b) we needed medical assistance, or c) we are rushing around trying to move my grandmother to the Hospice Home to which she has just been admitted. Please note that none of these scenarios require that I inform you, the neighborhood busybody, of said event at the exact moment that it occurs. Yes, I know that I wasn't chatty when you called, but you're lucky I didn't say what I was really thinking.

#1- Don't tell the dying person to call you.
In case you haven't noticed, my grandmother is bed-bound and sleeps about 20 hours a day. All of her energy is devoted to trying to eat, poop, and spend time with her loved ones. She will most likely not choose to call you to catch up on the church gossip from the previous Sunday.

Yes, I know I'm not very nice. But honestly, would you want someone to do any of these less-than-intelligent things if you were caring for a loved one? To make it worse, they all occurred within a month-long span and this isn't even half of the story.

Why I Do and Do Not Homeschool

Some of you may know and some of you may not know that our family homeschools. It isn't exactly something that I broadcast to someone as soon as I meet him/ her. I much prefer for that knowledge to sneak up on someone, rather than having him/her form an instant, incorrect stereotypical snapshot in his/her mind as soon as I mention this little family tidbit.

Yea, I know and have probably heard most of the homeschool stereotypes, and they drive me absolutely crazy. Just to get it out of the way, right now (and I know this blog will probably irritate those on the left and the right):

Yes, I homeschool, and . . .

. . . I do not wear denim jumpers. I have actually spent most of today barefoot with a freakishly dark toenail polish and modeling a comfy pair of fitted Levi's.

. . . I am not a religious zealot. Yes, I am Christian and raise my children as Christians because doing so makes me and them much better people than we could be on our own. Even though, I have my own set of beliefs, I also firmly support other people's rights to their own beliefs.

. . . I believe in evolution. Yes, I think that God created the world in whatever way, time, and process that he chose. If he chose evolution, go for it.

. . . I am raising my daughter to be an independent young woman who can take care of herself. Nothing drives me crazier than to hear a woman say that she should be submissive to men- don't think so, not happening over here. Just because I spend most of the day home with my children does not in any way mean that I am any less of an independent person than a woman who drops off her kids at the bus stop on her way to work.

. . . I am pro-choice. Enough said, my point is don't jump to conclusions about people based on cursory information that you may know about them.

. . . I am a political moderate. I have voted for Clinton, Bush, and McCain, but do not subscribe wholeheartedly to either party. I have no problem with gay marriage or any other civil rights issue. I do, however, disdain big government and excessive spending. As you can see, I don't comfortably fit in either political party. But I do have a novel idea- bipartisanship.

. . . I listen to normal music. Today my kids and I were rocking out so much to Kings of Leon in the car that we actually took a wrong turn going to the soccer field which we have driven to many times. Later, after my oldest was out of the car, I then switched over to First Wave classic alternative (Curly Girl hates the station and refers to The Cure as The Disease) and later in the evening caught a great version of a 10,000 Maniacs song on Coffeehouse.

. . . I read all sorts of everything all the time and read Harry Potter and lots of other books to my kids. I'm definitely an equal-opportunity reader. That being said, I do watch what my kids watch, listen to, and read. My personal guidelines limit the kids' exposure to inappropriate language and sexual content.

. . . I expect my children to attend well-known universities, not small schools which cater to a small sub-section of the population.

So, you may ask, why do you homeschool?

. . . Academics, academics, academics. Before homeschooling my kids, I taught 4th and 5th grades in public and private schools. After boring myself teaching to standardized tests and seeing Curly Girl become more and more bored and disenchanted with school, my husband and I made the radical decision for me to leave the classroom to teach the kids at home. There is actually a much longer story here, but one that is best told on a personal level. The short version- IMHO, we're selling our kids short by not demanding more of them academically, especially bright kids who are being dumbed down in less-than-stimulating classroom settings.

. . . Flexibility. I love being able to take vacations at non-peak times of year (The kids and I had a blast at Disney's Blizzard Beach in early December.), adjust our schedule for real-life interruptions and activities, and take field trips to museums and nature trails whenever we want. While Curly Girl has been involved in a community theatre production over the last few weeks, it has been a blessing to be able to let her sleep in a bit later after late-night rehearsals.

. . . Passions. I truly, truly hope that homeschooling will allow my children to find their passions. Car Guy loves learning about engineering and architecture. Curly Girl is so enamored with fashion design that we are going to try to line up some sort of design course for her next year. As my children grow older, I hope to arrange internships so they can check out careers in which they may be interested.

. . . So my children can be children. Before continuing let me assure you that my children are receiving a more-than adequate education- even though they don't spend 7 hours a day behind a desk and another 2 hours at night doing homework. 7th grade Curly Girl recently rocked the SAT, and Car Guy can talk your ear off about axles, horsepower, and car models. I say those things not to brag, but to tell you that time spent sitting in a classroom does not always correlate to academic achievement. My kids roll out of bed about 7:30am and start school around 9. We usually end between 12 and 2, then the kids usually have time to play with Legos, draw, read, practice piano, etc. before heading out the door to soccer practices, swimming, theatre, and whatever activities they have going on that day. This afternoon, they shot hoops together outside enjoying the beautiful spring weather. At night, we usually hang out as a family, read together, etc.- not fight about homework or slap together teacher-assigned school projects.

So that's the deal with our family and homeschool. Every family has their own story, however, so please don't jump to conclusions when you learn that someone homeschools. While many homeschools and homeschoolers may look different than my family, I completely support their legal right to structure their homeschool in the ways they see fit. I support their right to their beliefs, as I hope they support mine.

Along this same topic, here is another great post about why an individual family chooses to homeschool:

http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/2010/03/why-i-homeschool-and-what-my-approach-is/

Resolving to Make Resolutions

I thought that I'd have more success sticking to my New Year's resolutions if I actually shared them with others. So here goes:

- Exercise regularly (3-4 times a week) and eat healthfully.

- Decide on our church home and become actively involved with it. Maintain a positive attitude about our family's choice.

- Be more intentional about my spiritual growth and that of my children.

- Read more for pleasure. I'd like to read a book a week, but that may be too aggressive of a goal.

- Be willing to forsake my schedule and to-do list for impromptu moments with my family.

Here goes! Wish me luck!