Too Funny Not to Pass Along

Many of you have children approaching or in the tween years. If you aren't there yet, just hold on to your hat because just when you think that you have a handle on parenting, the tween years will make you question everything you think you know and more. Some days (like when she makes a presentation to a room full of adults) I marvel at the young lady that 12-year-old Curly Girl is becoming, and other times (the huffy-puffy, drama queen days) I realize why boarding schools were invented.

Recently, I have been amused, terrified, curious, and traumatized by Curly Girl's interest in clothes, makeup, design, etc. About a year ago, she suddenly morphed in a young woman who wants to shop (which I detest) and wear makeup (which I am attempting to slowly dole out, while teaching her that less is more). Even worse, I apparently know nothing, absolutely nothing about dressing fashionably, despite the five years I spent as a clothing buyer for a department store.

Just when I need a little parenting pick-me-up and reminder that natural consequences are a great teacher, along comes a blog which is too funny not to read:

http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/2009/10/wanna-bet/

Thanks to Topsy-Techie for posting this on her blog. It's always good to laugh first thing in the morning. A reminder to please check out the Blog List along the right side for some amusing, thought-provoking, and enlightening entries from some of my favorite bloggers.

Teen Angst

A friend remarked the other day that "Thirteen is the new Eighteen." From my perspective, this is terrifying, but true, and has been painfully evident around our house recently.

Almost-twelve-year-old Curly Girl wants to grow up so quickly that it is heart-wrenching to watch. I recall the middle school years, but I certainly don't remember them fondly. They were hard enough to navigate twenty-five years ago, but the thought of my own daughter picking her way through the current minefield of adolescence sends me into an emotional tailspin.

At this point in my parenting career, I feel completely inadequate and incapable of accomplishing my goal of raising a well-adjusted, self-confident young woman. I regularly feel that I am driving her away from our family and/or into years of therapy. After surviving the physical exhaustion of parenting an infant, I thought my task would get easier. Seven-year-old Car Guy makes me feel the most confident about my parenting. Yes, he is a very active boy with lots of imagination, spunk, and spirit, but at least I feel that I can protect him and keep him safe. When parenting a preteen, the entire world seems to be at odds with me. Combating the onslaught of negative influences feels like a never-ending battle which I cannot possibly win.

Curly Girl wants so desperately to grow up completely, instantly, right at this very moment. Over the past week, I have been wrestling with a multitude of parenting-related questions:

When do you let her go and when do you rein her in?
Patrick and I have kept a rather tight hold on the activities in which our daughter is involved. She does a lot (piano lessons, soccer and swim teams, church activities, community theater), and her father and I have become well-acquainted with the other parents, adults, and children involved in these activities. Curly Girl is approaching the age, however, where she wants more freedom than we are willing to give her. She has recently started volunteering with our local teen Red Cross Club, and this week's activity was putting up posters around town advertising for an upcoming blood drive. Great idea! Great project, but I felt like the most over-protective mom asking the club's coordinator for more information (Where are you going? Who will be driving?) before allowing my daughter to participate. The activity turned out to be well-organized and well-chaperoned, and she had a great time. I'm just not ready to do the drop-off and pick-up thing on a larger scale (i.e. at a movie or the mall). I know it's coming; I'm just not there, yet, though.

When do you allow your children to be exposed to the world and when do you protect them?
Patrick and I have tried very hard to teach our children about the world while protecting them from information they may not yet be emotionally prepared for. For example, Car Guy enjoys reading the newspaper each morning. But since he is seven, I only let him peruse the sports section, comics, and selected articles (Science-related articles are big hits.). I just don't see any need for him to read articles about rape, murder, or other atrocities that occur in our world. On the flip side, we now allow Curly Girl to read all of the newspaper and watch the news. We want her to ask questions and search for answers. After reading The Breadwinner together, Curly Girl and I enjoyed great conversations about the role of women and the plight of women's rights around the world. She is certainly old enough to investigate social injustice, but, unfortunately, teen culture emphasizes sex and physical appearance over more important worldly issues.

The topic currently confronting our family involves how much freedom to allow Curly Girl in regards to tv, music, movies, and book selection. We do not and will not allow either child to have computers or televisions in their rooms. Curly Girl is itching to be set free in the Young Adult book section, though, which sends me into convulsions. So far, she has accepted that we monitor her reading choices, but how much longer we can reasonably do that, I really don't know.

How do you overcome your child's feeling of "no one understands me?"
This is one of the really tough questions. I so clearly remember the painful feelings of thinking that there was no one else like me in the world. Recently, Curly Girl seems to be wallowing in her differentness. Hey, I think different is good. I'm all about being different. Aside from talking and offering reassurance, how do you help your child genuinely realize that almost everyone feels completely abnormal as a teenager? Honestly, the whole talking thing is the parenting area where I struggle the most. I'm not a talker; I'm an internalizer. I just think about things until I work through them myself or push them down and forget about them. I'm also not a very "warm-and-fuzzy" person; I'd characterize myself more as a "Suck it up and deal with it" kind of gal. So when Curly Girl started bemoaning the state of her life earlier this week, my first thought was "Get over. You just got back from Europe, we're going on a mission trip to Kentucky this summer just so you can see how good you have it." See, I really need to work on this being-more-understanding-and-talking-about-feelings thing.

How do you encourage your children to be themselves, in spite of all the pressures forcing them to conform to the world?
This may be an impossible task. I love and value my children's uniqueness, but the world frequently doesn't. We withdrew Curly Girl from school and started homeschooling her precisely to avoid squeezing a square peg into a round hole. I want my children to blaze their own trails; I want them to be self-confident and do things their ways. The world doesn't say this, though, especially to girls. It says "You have to be a size 2, tan, make dazzling small talk, and be perfect in every way." I totally get wanting to look your best, but it is so painful watching your daughter navigate an awkward stage. To make it worse, tomorrow she gets braces on her teeth. As adults, we all know that the challenging adolescent years will end, but for preteens they must seem to never conclude. My daughter used to be so self-confident, now her reaction seems to be all-insecurity all the time.

I also want to encourage Curly Girl to utilize, not hide, her academic gifts. Nothing drives me crazier than to see a brilliant girl act less-than-intelligent around her peers. I get it; I so completely get this. I hated, despised the sixth through ninth grade years, but they improved when around tenth grade I decided that I would be myself, regardless of what others thought. For me, that meant shedding the worry of trying to fit in with the high school social scene, but I never truly felt normal until I went to college, anyway.

Retrospectively, I realize there is a light at the end of the dark hall of teen angst, but as a parent, I want to spare my daughter from the painful insecurity and social trauma that accompanies the adolescent years. That is most likely impossible, however, but I certainly would like to try.

Parenting 101

I just love this Baby Blues comic strip. It is so true. Parenting is truly the toughest, most challenging, most taxing job in the world. After I chuckled at this comic strip, I started thinking of all the parenting skills I have utilized in the past week. Amazingly, none of them have anything to do with my expensively acquired art history and political science degrees.


Parenting skills I have used in the past week:

Organizational Specialist

Author (Working from home as a writer enables me to be home with my kids.)

Chauffeur

Chef (Yesterday, I baked some cinnamon bread and a baguette.)

Laundress

Maid

Assistant Engineer (Car Guy created catapults and launched marshmallows from them all weekend.)

Librarian

Teacher

Musician (A 7-year old requires assistance when practicing piano.)

Athletic Supporter (I am slowly learning the rules of soccer, including corner vs. goal kicks. For chuckles, I just realized that "athletic supporter" sounds like I performed the role of a jock strap this week- which I most certainly did not.)

Nurse

Scheduler (Scheduling activities for two kids presents a giant puzzle.)

Referee

Star Wars light saber sparring partner

Mediator

Athlete (I did manage to squeeze in some exercise.)

Veterinarian

Horticulturist (My roses are blooming!)

Disciplinarian

Curriculum Consultant (Already thinking about the home school plans and curriculum for next year.)

Pharmacist

Manicurist (I trimmed rabbit and human nails.)

Gardener

Plumber (Don't you just love to start your day by unclogging a child's toilet?)

So what did I forget? Feel free to add any parenting skills that may have slipped my mind.

"No Swords at the Table" (Part 2)

When you are expecting your first child, you have all these blissful daydreams about cooing, snuggling, and playing with your newborn. Remarkably, your eyes never tear up at the thought of projectile vomit and diaper blow-outs, though. Parenting is never quite what you think it will be. To add to my previous "No Swords at the Table" post, here are

5 More Unwritten Rules of Parenting:

1. You will turn into your mother.

No matter how many times you think, "When I'm a parent, I will never do such-and-such," you will. Despite your best efforts not to channel your parental role models, you will say, "Do I need to pull this car over!" and any other number of parenting comments. Even more, your house- from the laundry room to the bathroom- will turn into the house you grew up in. A few weeks ago, I just stood and looked at my pantry in awe. I now have my parents' pantry, chock full of soup cans, bread crumbs, pastas, and all sorts of other actually useful items. My husband and I have certainly come a long ways from the days of only having beer and Ramen noodles in the fridge and pantry.

2. Always check pockets before doing the laundry.

I frequently forget to do pocket-checks, so hopefully this will remind me to improve my pre-laundry routine. The obsessive-compulsive person that I am checks my pockets when I undress, so I incorrectly assume that everyone else does, too. I cannot tell you the number of rocks, matchbox cars, and coins that I have found in our washer and dryer after doing laundry. The worst offense occurred this past Monday, though, when Car Guy left a tube of Chapstick in his pocket. When I discovered the hot balm in the dryer, I did the stupidest thing I could have possibly done. I opened it and promptly covered my hands and legs in very hot liquefied Chapstick. Not a good thing. Needless to say, that evening I reminded everyone in the family about the importance of checking their pockets each evening.

3. Support your children's hobbies, no matter how strange they may be.

Strange hobbies, that is, not your children. Every child embarks on some rather odd undertakings from time to time. If it isn't collecting rocks from the yard, it's having a mock battle with a large tree branch as Car Guy attempted the other day. If it isn't creating notebooks of fashion designs, it's writing in Dwarvish and Elvin as Curly Girl has been doing lately.

Car Guy's fascination with designing seize towers, airplanes, cars, or anything else from recycled materials has been one of the most interesting hobbies my children have taken on, though. Car Guy gets so into his "found-object art" that I have caught him rooting through the recycling before it goes down to the curb. So he no longer goes dumpster diving, we now keep a staging area of recycled items in the garage for him to use. For Christmas this year, Car Guy even received a box full of trash as a gift. I know that sounds bad, but he loved it and started jumping up and down and screaming "Trash, trash, yeah" when he opened the box. His "found-object art" has come with some drawbacks, however. He does occasionally make items for family members to wear, such as the Sapphira costume he made for Curly Girl when he wanted her to act out Eragon with him. Knowing Car Guy's love of recycled materials, family members now save their toilet paper and paper towel rolls for him. Yes, it is a bit embarrassing to leave your cousin's house carrying a grocery bag full of toilet paper rolls. We also constantly run out of tape because Car Guy has used it all on his creations. But, when you see how proud your child is of his creations, you ignore the irritation and embarrassment and just keep buying tape and bringing home your family members' bathroom cast-offs.

4. Listen "attentively" to your children babble about topics that fascinate them.

Being a parent means becoming engrossed in whatever topics your children are interested in at that moment. Aside from his trash fixation, Car Guy is obsessed with cars, especially BMWs. He will speak at length about the characteristics of the different BMW models. Sometimes, I really get tired of hearing the play-by-play of every vehicle we see on the roads. Admittedly, I frequently half-way listen and nod my head while letting my mind wander elsewhere. Yet, I dutifully "listen" and hope that he will want to keep talking to me as he grows. At a more innocent age, Curly Girl pined for the Teletubbies and Barney. Now those interests have morphed into discussing the merits of Nick vs. Joe Jonas. I just hope that listening attentively now transfers into deeper discussions in the future.

5. You won't care if your children wear costumes in public.

This doesn't count on Halloween when everyone wears costumes. I mean wearing costumes out and about on a regular day. My kids have a long history of dressing-up. In the early elementary years, Curly Girl spent lots of time dressed up in my old, itchy dance recital costumes, and she even sometimes dressed up her brother. Car Guy is a big costume guy and has a closet-full of costumes to prove it. Some days he is a cowboy; other times it is Superman or a Ninja turtle. Yes, I have let him wear his costumes in public, and he was especially cute when he modeled his Incredibles costume at our local burger dive. It just doesn't bother me if he wears his costumes out and about. The only people who turn their nose up at him are those people who don't remember what it is like to be a kid, and I don't care about them anyway.

Being a parent is never what you expect it will be. Children make your best-laid plans go awry. But that's okay because often the best things are the unexpected ones.

"No Swords at the Table"

Yes, I said it. The other day I actually said, "No swords at the table" to my son as he came to dinner clothed completely in his gladiator costume- chest plate, helmet, and sword. I certainly did not find "No swords at the table" in any parenting book I have ever read. But there are lots of unwritten rules of raising kids that no one tells you about before the little ones are born. So for those of you who are thinking about having kids, have sweet infants that you can never picture doing anything wrong, or if learning about real kids is a form of birth control for you, here are

5 Unwritten Rules of Parenting:

1. Boys turn everything into a weapon.

Before having children, I told my husband that we would never have weapons, including any form of toy weapon, in our house. Our family members wouldn't need or want weapons; we were going to be all about "peace, love, and understanding" (with a nod to one of my favorite Elvis Costello songs). Well, I have eaten my words. Seven-year-old Car Guy now possesses a wide array of toy hatchets, muskets, pistols, holsters, battle-inspired costumes, and light sabers, along with a dedicated weapons baskets to store them all in his room.

2. What sounds good in theory doesn't always work in practice.

I, too, pored over the parenting books and magazines looking for the one magical trick to create perfect children and a harmonious home. But you know what, that trick doesn't exist. A few years ago, a friend informed me that her family was going to run democratically with everyone, including the children, having an equal say in family matters and decisions. When hearing this I just sort of snickered to myself and thought, "Yea, we'll see. I've been there. I've tried happy and sad M&Ms, time outs, stickers, positive reinforcement, you name it. Some of it worked some of the time, and some of it worked none of the time. The only thing that succeeds is consistent discipline and hard work on the part of mom and dad." Feel free to try out those new-fangled child-rearing theories, but the tried-and-true old-fashioned ones are tried-and-true because they work.

3. Your children will magnify every negative trait you have ever had.

As my children got older, this rule shocked me. When you are cradling your infant in your arms, you can't imagine that he or she would ever backtalk or intentionally disobey you. But let me tell you, your children will do all that and more. To make it worse, they look like little versions of their parents when they are up to no good. I always found my quick temper and tendency toward bossiness with lots of sarcasm tossed in to be adorable until those traits came right back at me via Curly Girl and Car Guy. Believe me, it is not a pretty sight to view yourself in the mirror of your own children.

4. You will do unimaginable things just because your children will love them.

Since Car Guy has been a toddler, I have done some things that I swore I would never, ever do. I have accompanied him to several Nascar race shops, gone on a tour of a racetrack, developed whiplash on the Indy Speedway at Magic Kingdom, and attended an extremely long, noisy session of short-track racing complete with monster trucks and a demolition derby all in the name of entertaining my son. I have also noisily cheered at the pig and duck races at the state fair, dressed innumerable Polly Pockets and Barbie dolls, and faced dehydration at mid-summer swim meets to bring a smile to Curly Girl's face. My husband even bravely accompanied Curly Girl to a Jonas Brothers concert teeming with screaming tween girls last summer all just to give his daughter a happy birthday. A college friend even recently signed herself and her daughter up for a mother-daughter hip hop dance class. Hey, when it comes to making your kids happy, you'll do almost anything.

5. Your life will change.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a pregnant friend say, "My life isn't going to change after having this baby. I'll still get to go out." No, you don't have to cloister yourself in your house after having a baby, but your life will change. You can no longer just hop in the car to go to dinner and a movie. Life will take some planning now. You will no longer be number one; your child will. Furthermore, babies may not be so welcome at your previous haunts. Hear me on this, "Babies do not go to bars."

You see, parenting is fraught with many unwritten rules that no one bothers to tell you about. I'm still mulling over some more of these and will probably blog about them next time.

Happy parenting!